She was my first. I can still remember every sensation, every scent, every taste. If I try, I can still feel it, Is that alright? Maybe that's alright. Through all the years I have not forgotten. Those memories are beautiful but they are tempered with pain. I somehow became her most hated enemy and in my eyes she became something low and despicable. Still, through all the bad feelings, sins and hurts, and my own unbending standards, I can remember the good in it.
She was my first, and I loved her. That memory is everything that it should be. I was sure that I would never love anyone like that again, and surely, no one had ever loved so deeply as I. If I try, I can still summon the contentment of that feeling. The feeling, that at nineteen I was under grace, and nothing truly bad could ever happen to me. Feelings alone, are no way to guide your life, they'll always fail you in time, but she and I did. We did it for a very long time, and for me, the good is unmatchable. The bad is unmatchable as well. The bad was enough to alter every relationship since. I will never again allow myself the pain of trying so hard, it just never seems worth it.
She was my first love, I learned all the hard lessons from her, and I apply them each day. She was my first, my first everything. Letting go was the hardest lesson of all, but I learned. I have applied that lesson to every relationship, with every woman who has cared for me in the subsequent years. I don't hold on, I never even try. In fact, Some have wondered why I let go so easily. I've caused my share of pain, I guess.
She was my first, you only get one first. How could it be, that there are so many emotions, thoughts, things left undone and unsaid, but no closure? We were just kids, and we wasted ourselves on one another. Wrong from the beginning. I stayed much to long. I guess I had hard lessons that I had to learn. We make choices, and we live with the consequences. I have regrets, but I don't mind them. Regret is part of life.
She was my first, my first love, and the first to hurt me. The hurt, I reconciled a long time ago, the love as well. I killed it by force of will. She was my first, Time can't erase it and strangely, I would not want it to. My memories of loving her are painful yes, but I can't forget how happy I was when it was good. The lows were the worst of my life, because I loved her so deeply. The scars will keep me from ever loving like that again, but I'll live with that. I still know her, and will probably always have some limited contact with her. However, I put this in a place that she will never see. Maybe that's part of the problem. We no longer talk, haven't for years unless she needs me. We never became those people in the movies, who become old friends and laugh at shared memories, and hug one another when they part. We will never have that friendship, there's to much baggage.
I'll never understand loving her. I'll never know why I stayed so long. I did not belong with her, we were damned from the start. We had different morals, different standards. She hurt me early on, She had demons I was ill-equipped to deal with. She hurt me the only way she could, and she knew that I would never forgive her. She didn't leave though. Maybe she was waiting to be proved wrong, she was not. We were together for many years but neither of us could minister to the other. Memories of her are strange, many are at once painful yet sweet. Is that right? I hope that's alright.
-S
